Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

*checks Timeline*…

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

same vibe as tangled headphones

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and