Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together