Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

Traveler’s camo

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”