Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
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*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?