Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
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I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.