Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
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Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Shower sex be like:
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I think we should hear other voices.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
