Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you