Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

Going into Monday like

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.