Very good! 👍😂
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So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home