Very good! 👍😂
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My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…