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Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.