Very good! 👍😂
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Investing in beetcoin
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder