Very good! 👍😂
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no