Very good! 👍😂
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Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.