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Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Just why bro?!
