Very good news from my accountant
You Might Also Like
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Not all heroes wear capes…
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith