Very good news from my accountant
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Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Always…
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?