Very good news from my accountant
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I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
grandparents are too precious for this world
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters