Very good news from my accountant
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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
the best thing i’ve ever made
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”