{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
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If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk