Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
You Might Also Like
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.