Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.