Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
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“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine