Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
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Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I love you to the refrigerator and back
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.