Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

*pronounces UPS like yoops

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

tinder is all about the long game

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.

Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.