Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

British websites use biscuits.

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?