Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
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My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Oh my God.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.