Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

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boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]


Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.


nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.


ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:


Obama: I’m going to miss living in the White Hou-
Biden: DUUUDE look at my roll!
Obama: MAAAN is that UR Kotori?


[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.


Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.


Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.


Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.


The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.