very niche meme I made
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15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
i wish we could shoplift online
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn