very niche meme I made
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-