very niche meme I made
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Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.