very niche meme I made
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I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Born to be mild.
Mountain Goat : )
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There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter![]()
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.