Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

honestly, i need both:

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

These are my roll models.

Pikachu found the lost joint

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

The honesty is refreshing

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why