Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

O Wise One….

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.