Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
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Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
This is why I hate group projects
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!