@TribalSpaceCat

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

- @TribalSpaceCat

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@OakHill_

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

@dorsalstream

[being held hostage]

ME: [dejected] I thought there’d be more actual holding involved.

@PhilJamesson

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

@gary_augustine

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

@MickSnark

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

@charliedelta7

One day, someone will call me sir without adding “I think we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”

@mom_ontherocks

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
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