Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.