Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

your honor my client chooses dare

me 2 months after i graduated

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way