[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
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Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.