Very problematic
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“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I’m the neighbor
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
I feel this so hard
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.