Very problematic
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[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
*checks Timeline*…
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*