Very problematic
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just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
March 16
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?