Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly