Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
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Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
