Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
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Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My dad teaching me to drive
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.