Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
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Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
the saddest jazz hands ever
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What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
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me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction