@bourgeoisalien

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

You Might Also Like

@Ygrene

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

@SortaBad

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

@faizziy

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

@Reverend_Scott

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

@Reverend_Scott

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

@MelvinofYork

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

@mattZillaaaa

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

@cheeky__gal

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

@Queen_Sassy_AF

At confession today I felt like I could finally breathe, until the priest told me to put my clothes back on.

@mrjohndarby

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper