very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

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Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords


Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song


Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”


[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks


Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.


At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.


Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet


Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.


At confession today I felt like I could finally breathe, until the priest told me to put my clothes back on.


Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper