very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
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Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
But wait…