very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
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Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.