very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
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[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
bout dat hot dog summer
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
no!! no!!!!!!
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.