Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
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band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
quarantine day 3
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I am all good here, 😂😉
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.