Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
what day is it?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
