Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

I love snow

– People who never shovel

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.