Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

Tapped in

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.