Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

What do you text your spouse?

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.