Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
You Might Also Like
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?