Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

hello pervert is such a strong opener

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal