Very suspicious that this keeps happening
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Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.