Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
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My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.