Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.