Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
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pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Britain be like
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*