Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: đ
My chameleon: đ
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My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Rock paper scissors but itâs just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
My parents didnât raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea thereâs another guy in here lol heâs already dead tho hahaha
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
1920âs: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020âs: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, âyou knowâŚummmâŚhotdog pancakes!â
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Itâs pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
No matter how much I mature, I canât find a haircut that doesnât make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My ex from highschool followed my new dogâs Instagram account and dmâed her âI donât like your momâ LMAO IM DYING
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
9 has decided to write a book called âTrue facts about idiot humansâ
And Iâd be lying if I said I wasnât worried about her source of information
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*