Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
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how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same