Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
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I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
the internet really was better 18 years ago
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero