Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

The legends were true

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated