Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*