Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
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My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>