Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
What do you text your spouse?
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.