Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.