Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

Awwwww shit.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*