[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
You Might Also Like
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
What the hell is going on?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams