[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
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me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
How dude HOW?!
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.