Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

me doing my best

i now pronounce you bounced.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.