[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
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Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
12653.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.